A roof is a house hat.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them