Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus