A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.