When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
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I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK