HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
when you don’t want to be too vague
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.