No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My patronus is a cheeseburger
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Whoa 😂
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.