[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
<—- homeless romantic
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now