me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
You Might Also Like
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Called it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*