My god she’s good.
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to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
This is my cat’s medicine.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I wish I could veto my bills.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.