I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Introverted vegans go meetless
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
That’s what I call a flat tire
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding