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Nice try, poison.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”