How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
New comic up. “Ransom”