[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
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Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead