Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
how it started vs how it ended
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*