my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit