My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?