NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Very problematic
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword