if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.