*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
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You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
🤭😂
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?