no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.