why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano