Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
You Might Also Like
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.