It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.