Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.