always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”