Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!