Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
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Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I don’t know what to do
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.