If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner![]()
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.![]()
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
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This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR