If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
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Never go to sleep after making me angry
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.