My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
found my next D&D character name
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.