It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no