I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Bring back the McRib
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
You have been warned.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Maths meets science
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
uncle dave has been through hell
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store