[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
True?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away