I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards