Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
doing your own taxes
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…