son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”