The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Thinking about Jeff
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.