I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.