It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.