The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Beware of the dog..
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said