Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
@ candidates for local office
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.