Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
cry laughing at this shit
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal