Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow