Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together