My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
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Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.