spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
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Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
thanks auntie mary
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Cheer up.
Hero horse inspires millions
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.