Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Pretty much! 😂👀
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.