Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
You Might Also Like
@ candidates for local office
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
never compromise your values
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!