A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
just got my engagement photos
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.