Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
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Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”